Maigo no Kokoro
by Zanza Writer-for-Hire
Summary: By request, this is a one-shot, Kamatari background fic. Focuses on the cross-dresser's life before he became a Juppongatana member. Please read! There aren't many Kama-chan fics out there!


It was early spring when the cherry blossoms began to fall. Kamatari remembers every moment of that day, every moment like it is happening again. There are things about that time of year that make him wonder, even to this day. 

What if things had happened different?

Amarante, Hana and Umeko had dragged Yachi out to the festival. Quiet and shy, the one timid girl in the whole brothel, she had protested against going. There would be drunks, they would be loud and rowdy -in short, they would be the very way the people she worked with were. The only reason she went along was because of Kamatari.

Petite, polite Yachi had been sold into a life of debauchery after the revolution ended. She was the girl offered to the timid young men who wanted some one to keep them warm without much else and she was okay with that. She had no problems with laying with a man, as long as he paid well and didn't hurt her. It was the only life she had ever known.

What she didn't like was all the drinking, the unruly behavior, the men who were rough with her. More than once had she been rescued from a customer that asked for more than she offered. More than once had her thin arms been covered with finger-shaped bruises. She often was found hidden in the corner of the room, tears running down her face.

"Are you all right, Yachi?" Umeko, dressed in a vivid pink kimono, looked over her shoulder at the younger girl. 

__

She is a real woman, Yachi thought_, curves in all the right places; long, silky hair; sexy…And here I am, a little girl still_. "I'm okay." She said softly, "Just thinking."

"Oh really? About what?" Hana leaned over her, her glossy hair cascading over her shoulders. Yachi was always thinking, always spouting some nonsense.

"Sakura are a sign of a short life." Yachi's dark gaze swept across the trees and their blossoms falling like snow, "They are such a tragic part of our existence…Showing how life is so precious and not to be wasted."

"Don't be so morbid, Kiddo." The other girl laughed, "We've got it good with nothing to do but look pretty all day."

A sigh escaped Yachi's lips. They never listened to her. Not once. Her gaze dropped back to the ground. Then she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Looking up, her eyes met Kamatari's. She alone knew the secret Kamatari kept hidden. The secret she swore never to tell, which burned within her every day.

Kamatari was a man.

None of the other girls knew. To them, he was just a loud, obnoxious girl with a taste for tough guys. He was the one in charge, not the one providing the services. It was Kamatari who rescued Yachi from the terrible men, Kamatari who protected her, Kamatari who trusted her with the secret. 

"Don't listen to them, Honey. They know you're smarter, that's all. It intimidates them."

She looked up at the man, their eyes meeting. Kamatari was the only one of the original employees from the brothel that was still there. The other girls had come and gone after Yachi's arrival, each staying for a only a short time, then moving on. They were warm and accepting of one another, as if they were all one big happy family, but they knew nothing of the young woman who'd been there for five years.

Kamatari understood. Yachi didn't want to be there, but she had nowhere else to go. She had no family, no past and no last name. There was nothing, only the other whores. Since she was seventeen, it was all the girl had known. The cross-dressing man knew of the circumstances which surrounded Yachi's arrival. He had taken good care of her since the first day, when she had been scared out of her wits and trembling with fear. She'd come to love him.

A slight smile crossed her face. She was grateful for everything he had done for her, from that first moment together. Then she blushed, her gaze dropping back to her feet. He would never love her back. She had lost her heart to him and he would never know.

Kamatari looked at her. She was always walking with her eyes glued to the ground. He'd asked her why once and she had turned quite red, stammering that she didn't want to attract attention. Her charcoal hair hid her pretty face. For the first few months he'd known her, he hadn't known just how pretty she was, until the day he'd first rescued her from a man.

She had only been seventeen then. The man had been older -and very ugly- and rather disgusting. How he had wound up with little Yachi was still a mystery but she had been screaming in protest at what he wanted to do with her. Kamatari had gone running down the hall, the other girls who weren't already busy trailing behind him.

"Don't touch me! Don't touch me like that!" Yachi was backed up against the wall, her jade green eyes wide with fright. She was quaking, her lower lip trembling, and, God, was she gorgeous. His soul stirred at the sight of her there, scared to death, and he had marched up to the man and pried him off her.

"Let her go, Sir. This one's not for what you want. She's not into kinky things, so leave her alone." He went to pull her up from the floor, but she shrank away. "Oh, Honey…" He knelt before her, "It's okay. Come here."

Sobbing, Yachi fell into his arms, her face buried in the front of his yukata. He looked up at the customer, the girls huddled in the doorway. "Get out of here, all of you. I'll take care of her."

The girl was vaguely aware of her back being rubbed. She clutched his robe, tears trickling down her cheeks. "I can't do this…I can't…I want to go home…"

"Honey, it's all right." He hugged her tightly, "I'll take care of you. I promise nothing will happen."

"How can you say that?" Her voice was no more than a whisper, "You're just a woman like the rest of us. There's nothing you can do…"

"I'll tell you a secret, if you promise not to tell." She was huddled in his lap, her head on his shoulder, and he didn't want to see her cry ever again, "I'm not a woman."

Up she had looked, her eyes wide in disbelief. "You're not…?"

"No, Honey, I'm not." He smiled. She was a cute little thing, her face held such an innocent expression. "But it's a secret. No one knows. You can't tell."

"I won't."

"Promise me."

"I promise…" Then she'd hugged him again, smiling. "Thank you. I was so frightened. I'm glad you'll keep me safe."

He had risen to his feet, pulling her after him. Then he patted her on the head. "You don't have to do anything for the rest of the night, Honey. I'll talk with the boss."

These memories swirled through his mind, much the way the sakura blew on the breeze. His hair rustled slightly around his face and Yachi's voice brought him back to the present.

"I never want things to change, Kama-chan." She had lifted her head once more, her emerald eyes shining with contentment. The other three girls were wandering among the crowd, drinking and laughing coyly at the suggestive comments of young men.

A smile crossed his face and his hand rested on her shoulder. "I hope things do change, Yachi. I won't be able to protect you forever. I want you to be happy."

"I am happy." Her head bowed, her hair falling once more around her face. _As long as I'm with you, I'll be happy…_

As the day wore on, the crowd grew more and more intoxicated. Kamatari and Yachi sat watching the blossoms fall, ignoring the crowd around them. There was a comfortable atmosphere between the two; they were such good friends after all they'd been through. Not a word was said, but they understood each other well enough. Theirs was a strange relationship. They each loved the other very much, but neither knew it. Kamatari maintained the front that he liked men and Yachi…every one still believed she was afraid of most men.

"I'm going to go get something to eat." Yachi rose lightly to her feet, brushing grass from her bottom, "You want anything, Kama-chan?"

"Oh, no thanks, Honey. You go on ahead, I'll wait here for you."

"Okay."

He watched fondly as she ran off towards a noodle cart, her kimono flapping around her ankles. Five years he'd been watching over her and he never told her he loved her. But then, he wasn't sure yet…What he felt for her was unusual. He never felt for a girl the way he did for her. In all of his twenty seven years, he'd never loved a girl before. _How did this happen?_

Sighing, he drew his knees up to his chest. He wondered how much longer he could go on protecting her. She wasn't a kid any more; she was a woman. She would be wanting things from him that he wasn't sure he was free to give. She didn't want things to change. But they would.

"Hey, Girly, you're pretty good looking." 

Looking up, his eyes came to rest on a smarmy man. He looked to be quite wealthy -he was dressed in fine silks- and also rather drunk. Through a well-trained eye, Kamatari assessed the man. He would take one of the expensive girls, no doubt, and would want full service. _It's a good thing that Yachi is not here right now…She's undoubtedly the prettiest. He would want her and she would cry. _"You don't want me." He said aloofly, "But we do have plenty of girls to offer-"

"Nah, I think I do want you. You look like my type. You gonna be good and come along, or are you gonna be nasty and make me angry?"

"I'll pass, thanks."

"It's not like you have a choice, Girly." He grabbed Kamatari by the arm and yanked him off the ground.

The cross-dresser's hand instantly connected with the man's cheek. "I said 'no.' What part of that don't you understand?"

"You little bitch!" The slimy lecher snarled, his hand raised to his stinging cheek, "You're gonna pay for that!" His other hand shot out, his fingers curling around Kamatari's slender neck.

Yachi was sauntering back through the crowd, a bowl of noodles in her hands, when she saw it. Kamatari and some strange man locked together in a scuffle, the former of the two being strangled by the latter. "Kama-chan!" The bowl clattered to the ground, noodles spilling around her feet, "Kamatari!" 

__

If I do something…That man will hurt me. Her mind was racing_. But if I don't, Kamatari will get hurt. He saved me all of those times. It's time I repay him. And I love him. I cannot allow him to be hurt…_

She charged forward, tackling the man from behind and clinging to his back. "Let go! Let go of her!" Even in her anger, she didn't slip and let the secret out. She had sworn never to tell and she never would. "Don't hurt her!"

"Get offa me!" He flung her to the ground, where she lay crumpled in a pathetic heap. Then he whirled around, glaring at her, "Say, you're prettier than this one. How much do you cost, honey?"

Clutching her shoulder, she stared up at him. His words echoed through her mind; cruel, heartless and mocking. _How much do you cost, honey? Honey? Honey! _"Don't call me that!" She shrieked, "You can't call me that!"

"Shut up!" He kicked her repeatedly in the chest and she doubled over in pain.

Kamatari, meanwhile, had fallen to his knees, gasping for air. Once he caught his breath, he looked up, taking in the scene unfolding before him with narrowed, angry eyes. _Yachi is in trouble! Shit! _He'd let her down after he promised. Anger coursed through his veins. He stumbled back to his feet, looking for some class of a weapon to attack the man with.

A scruffy looking girl was standing nearby, watching through wide eyes. A broom was clutched in her hands; she had been sweeping her family's porch when she heard the commotion.   


"Go get help!" Kamatari snatched the broom from the girl's hand and swung it over his head as she ran off. He brought it down on the man's shoulder with a loud crack, then proceeded to jab it into his ribs. "You don't touch her. She's _not _for sale."

"…Urghh…" The man lay there, hunkered over. Kamatari let go with one last whack, then turned his attention to Yachi.

"Honey, are you okay?" He asked worriedly, "C'mon, you've got to be all right. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry I didn't protect you." He bent over her, pulling her into his lap. She was alive; her chest rose and fell slowly, but she wasn't conscious.

He hugged her to him, cradling her on his lap. "Wake up. Wake up, Yachi. Please…" He was rocking back and forth, crying into her hair, "Wake up, dammit!"

"K…Kama-chan…" Her eyelids fluttered, "Are you…are you okay?"

"Oh, Yachi…" He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, "I'm fine. But you're hurt. You shouldn't have done that."

"I had to." She looked up at him, smiling faintly, "I would do it again and again, eight thousand times."

"Why? Why, Yachi?"

"Because…I love you. I couldn't let you be hurt." Her eyes welled with tears, "I have always loved you, from the very first time you rescued me. I would put all of my love into everything I did for you, because I know you can't love me back…" Her green eyes closed, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh, Honey…" He glanced up, taking in the setting sun, "I do love you. I love you eight thousand times." He stroked her cheek, "But I'm no good for you. You can't stay here forever. Things need to change."

"I don't want them to change…" Her eyes opened once more, taking in his feminine face, "I just want to be with you forever."

"You can't. You need to go out and find a place better than this. I let you down today because I can't protect you any more. You've grown up, Yachi, and I can't keep you safe from everything I wish to."

"…I gave you my heart…" She moved to sit up, then grimaced in pain, clutching her chest where he'd cracked her ribs. "I know your heart is lost…somewhere…" She paused, took a deep breath, wincing in pain as she did so, "So I…I gave you mine, that you may offer it to some one in the future…" Her head rested against his chest and she smiled serenely, "It's one…one last thing I can do with all of my love for you."

"Don't talk like that, Yachi…You'll be okay." His voice wavered slightly. She was growing colder in his arms as they spoke. She had always been such a frail girl -so breakable- and he was afraid she was right. She was going to die.

"Hold me now…" She shuddered, coughing up blood, "Hold me to your heart like all of those times I was afraid. Hold me and I'll tell you…how I love you eight thousand times…."

He willingly complied, holding her close as she whispered sweet words he didn't deserve to hear. Then she smiled softly, reaching up to touch his face. "You're so beautiful…I feel ugly just being in the same room with you…I always looked down because I knew you would see it in my eyes, how much I loved you…I was afraid…"

"Why were you afraid?" He was crying freely now, tears rolling off his cheeks and dropping onto her.

"Because I thought you wouldn't love me back…" She said weakly. She knew she didn't have much time left. That man had taken her life with no good cause. She would die before truly living, just like the sakura blossoms. "Do me one favor…because I am so selfish…Kiss me once before I die…Just so I can see what it's like…"

Brushing back her hair, he leaned over her, his lips gently meeting hers. Their tears mingled together and she smiled. "Remember me when you find your heart…" One last breath, her eyes fell shut for the last time, "I love you…"

These memories come rushing back, even now, in the heat of battle. _Yachi, who gave her life for me. Yachi, who gave her heart for me…The very same heart I freely gave to Lord Shishio…This battle cannot be lost. I'm not fighting for myself or even Lord Shishio. This is for Yachi, for I fight with her heart._

Kamatari's eyes narrow as he raises his weapon. "I put all my love into each and every mission. Being as useful to Lord Shishio as I can is _everything_ to me! You see?! I just can't let myself lose!" _Just like she did for me back then…She put her love into her death when she sacrificed herself to save me_.

It is over soon enough, when Kaoru busts up his knee. He can't fight any more, unable to stand, scythe broken. _I let them both down, both the people I love. I've failed Lord Shishio and I wasted Yachi's heart…I don't deserve to live. In death, I can be with some one who does love me. She's waiting for me…_

He pulls a needle out of his obi, ready to destroy himself, but Misao smacks it away_. Damn weasel…_Fatigue washes over him…_I'm so tired…my soul is weary…it can't go on like this…_He slumps over to the ground. _Suppose things had been different…_

Suppose I hadn't lost my heart…

***

Afterward: I'm not sure exactly what this is. I suppose it's my explanation of why Kamatari is the way he is, although it makes little sense. It does explain why he wants to do everything for Shishio out of love and where he learned that philosophy though, so maybe there are some redeeming qualities. 

I hope you like it, DE and Chaos. This was something you guys asked for and I tried my hardest. Maybe I'll be able to do a better one in the future, maybe an after-the-Kyoto-Arc story. I tried my hardest for you guys, so let me know what you think!!

-Zanza  



End file.
